Where Do You Go From Here?
There’s no way around it—break-ups hurt. They turn our lives upside down and impede plans for the future, and it’s only worse if you’re blindsided by the decision. Though they’re painful, there are steps towards recovery that help make the journey a little easier. Come with us as we explore why broken relationships are so painful, and what you can do to take care of yourself.
1. Broken Identity
You don’t need to be in a co-dependent relationship to develop a sense of self with a partner. You build a life together, one that focuses on a future. After a breakup, plans come crashing down, and it’s easy to feel like everything has changed.
2. Unknown Future
Your future isn’t only your five-year plan. The uncertainty also stems from who gets custody of any pets. How long will it take until you find someone new? How will you make rent? In the throes of a breakup, you don’t even have time to think about these things, and when they hit you, they're hard to deal with.
3. Loss of a Loved One
Breakups are akin to losing a loved one. In some ways, a lot of people find it harder to deal with this kind of loss—they’re still out there, living their own lives and just out of arm’s reach. It’s a tough pill to swallow, and an even tougher blow to your routine.
4. Confusion
It’s hard not to experience some confusion after a breakup, even if everything was mutual. Common worries and fears, like wondering if it was your fault, are bound to arise—the important thing to remember is that those emotions are perfectly normal.
5. Disrupted Routine
Partners become a huge part of our lives. While our routines don’t revolve around them, we carve out time in our schedules to see them. We make plans for the future or have weekly events with them, like dates or movie nights. It’s easy to fall into a comfortable routine, and after a breakup, our entire system is rattled.
6. Old Wounds Resurface
Much like our common worries, old wounds can just as easily resurface. Some people struggle with the fear of abandonment, while others struggle with their self-esteem. Even when we make progress in our journeys, a breakup can disrupt our path forward.
7. Fear of Starting Over
It’s normal to worry about what comes next. For many people, a breakup can signal new places to live, shared custody of children or pets, and a significant change to their financial situation. It’s also common to wonder about how you’ll meet someone new, which only adds to the hurt.
8. Lack of Self-Esteem
Break-ups always take a swing at our self-esteem. It doesn’t matter if you saw it coming or if the decision blindsided you—it’s hard not to feel like we did something wrong. To make matters worse, those feelings can resurface when we jump back into the dating game.
9. Physical Symptoms
As mentioned, break-ups are painful enough to mirror the loss of a loved one. With that kind of pain comes physical symptoms. It’s not uncommon for people to experience headaches, insomnia, stomach upset, appetite changes, and fatigue.
10. Social Withdrawal
We may want to reach out to our loved ones. We may want to move on with our lives. But sometimes, that’s easier said than done. There’s no official timeline to “move on,” which means it’s easy to shut down and turn away from social activities. Though that often makes us feel worse, we can’t always help it.
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Luckily, there is a silver lining to all this. As painful as break-ups are, there are still a few steps you can take to heal properly.
1. Be Patient With Yourself
Right now, the most important thing is patience. It can take a month, it can take several years—the timeline changes for everyone, and forcing yourself to feel better doesn’t help in the long run. Don’t ignore your feelings, either; you might feel embarrassed about crying for the ninth time, but that’s all part of the process.
2. Show Kindness to Yourself
We’re already pretty emotional after a break-up, so it’s easy to take that out on ourselves. Why don’t we feel better yet? Do our loved ones still care about our pain? Should we stop sharing? Try not to fall victim to those negative thoughts. Your loved ones want to help you. You’re on the path to healing. And you deserve a chance to do it at your own pace.
3. Reach Out to Loved Ones
Speaking of loved ones, there’s no shame in reaching out at a time like this. Friends and family care for you, and they’ll be there to get your mind off things. They might take you to dinner or encourage a vent session—and they’ll always be in your corner.
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4. Take Care of Yourself
That sounds simple enough, but as we mentioned, break-ups come with significant physical pain. It’s important to acknowledge your feelings, but it’s just as important to indulge in self-care. Take a shower. Eat a balanced meal. Get enough sleep. Try to work out. It won’t be easy, but it’s crucial to your well-being.
5. Limit Contact
Everyone wants to remain friends with an ex. We’re not saying it’s impossible, but you both need your space right now. It’s better to limit contact until the wounds heal. The last thing you want is to invite them over or act like nothing happened—that only delays your healing.
6. Feel Your Feelings
It’s tempting to stuff your feelings down, especially if you feel a little embarrassed. But the longer you deny them, the harder they’ll come back. You aren’t doing yourself any favors by ignoring even the toughest emotions, so make space for them.
7. Challenge Negativity
Sometimes, we fall into a rabbit hole of negativity. “I’ll be alone forever.” “I’m never going to get over them.” “They’re probably dating someone else.” It takes some time, but it’s important to recognize those feelings as they come and challenge them with positivity instead.
8. Understand the Journey
We often think that healing journeys come with a set timeline—but they don’t. The more you force yourself into recovery, the harder it will be to actually heal. Your journey also won’t look the same as a friend’s. It’s okay if they healed months before you do. It’s okay if they discovered a new hobby. While you can use that as inspiration, it shouldn’t be a definitive guideline that ignores your needs.
9. Set New Goals
Break-ups throw a wrench into our plans, but they don’t destroy our futures. When you’re ready, make some new goals! Do you want to travel or pick up a new hobby? Do you want to hit the gym more often? Your life blew wide open, and that can actually be an opportunity for self-care.
10. Consider a Professional
A lot of us deal with break-ups alone, but you don’t have to. It’s okay, and sometimes necessary, to reach out to a professional. They can help you cope, strategize a proper healing process, and talk through some of your roughest emotions.
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