How Is Your Relationship With Your Parents?
Parent and child relationships are complicated, and only get more complicated as we get older. Sadly, some issues can cause children to sever ties with their parents, but that doesn't mean you can't work to repair the relationship. Here are 10 reasons people are estranged from their parents and 10 ways to fix it.
1. Constant Criticism and Judgment
Parents who constantly criticize their children could create a lasting tension, which may result in estrangement. Over time, even well-intentioned comments can be taken the wrong way, and animosity can fester. Open dialogue or saying nothing is often a better option than constantly criticizing.
2. Lack of Boundaries
If parents can't allow their children to have space to be independent as adults, then estrangement could occur. Once your children are grown, you need to back away and let them live their lives, even if you disagree with their choices.
3. Value or Lifestyle Differences
Generational or cultural gaps can cause a divide to form between parents and their children. Just because you raise your children with certain values or in a culture, doesn't mean they will continue on that road in adulthood. Not allowing your children to build their own values as adults will cause tension.
4. Poor Communication
Families with poor communication habits will eventually run into problems. Avoiding hard conversations or consistently misinterpreting intention could cause your children to pull away from you.
5. Not Resolving Conflicts
Letting conflicts linger rarely means that they'll go away on their own. Even conflicts from childhood can cause your children to resent you. Deal with unresolved issues to avoid estrangement.
6. Unequal Treatment Among Siblings
Parents who favor one child over another are setting themselves up to have issues. Even perceived favoritism leads to problems. When parents don't acknowledge this behavior or work to resolve it, it can push their children to limit contact to protect their self-worth.
7. Differences in Parenting Styles
When your adult children become parents themselves, new conflicts can arise over unwarranted child-rearing advice or a disregard for boundaries. When grandparents overstep or undermine their children, it can cause them to become defensive.
8. Financial Disagreements
Conflicts and disagreements about money often strain a family. Financial pressure can make emotional issues far worse, especially if one side feels taken advantage of.
9. Feeling Underappreciated
Emotional neglect can cause conflict that can reverberate for years. When one side feels their kindness or efforts are unnoticed, they can quietly build resentment.
10. Outside Influences
Romantic partners or members of your extended family can change family dynamics, and sometimes for the worse. Different values or misunderstandings can create a tension that can result in estrangement. This can often come in the form of a gradual drift, and not a big blowout fight.
1. Reflect Before Reaching Out
To repair an estranged relationship, start by understanding what you seek. Do you want peace, closeness, or clarity? It's important to reflect on your emotions, so you can approach your parent calmly and confidently, and have a better chance of getting the results you want.
2. Communicate Kindly and Clearly
Reach out to your parents with honesty and using gentle language. Think about how you feel rather than what you think the other person did wrong. Simple phrases like "I miss spending time with you" can open the door to fixing your relationship.
3. Set Clear Boundaries
If your conflicts with your parents stem from over-involvement, then you should outline your comfort zone and set clear boundaries that they must respect. Let your parents know what makes you feel overwhelmed. This shouldn't push them away, but instead make your relationship healthier.
4. Be Willing to Listen
Healing can only begin when both sides are willing to listen to each other. It doesn't matter if you disagree. You need to let your parents share their thoughts without interruption. Listening displays maturity and respect, and can create genuine understanding.
5. Focus on Shared Ground
Finds topics and areas that you agree on or have in common. These can be hobbies, values, or traditions. Reconnecting doesn't have to start with an emotional conversation. It can be a simple shared meal that opens the floodgates.
6. Take Small Steps
It takes time to rebuild a relationship. Start with a short phone call, then move on to sending a birthday card, and then a brief visit might be in order. Don't force yourself into having a big conversation from the jump. Gradual, consistent steps can be more fruitful.
7. Involve a Neutral Support Person
If your conversations with your estranged parents tend to get out of control, then involve a family friend, counselor, or mediator. A neutral party can help both sides express their feelings without igniting old arguments.
8. Express Appreciation
Everyone responds positively to gratitude. Even making a small acknowledgment of your efforts or sacrifices can alleviate old tensions. Positive reinforcement encourages thoughtful communication that can yield results.
9. Focus on the Present
To focus on the present isn't to ignore the past. It's about trying to progress your situation into the kind of relationship you want with your parents. Rebuilding can often mean creating new dialogue and memories.
10. Accept That Your Relationship Might Look Different
Not every repaired relationship returns to what it once was. Peace might mean polite distance or occasional contact, which can still be a step in the right direction. The goal should be mutual respect, and both sides need to adhere to this and honor it for real healing to eventually happen.
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