The Flame Has Started Dwindling
When we dive into a relationship, we don’t often think about the negatives. Everything is canoodling in the car and spicy dates, time spent together until you make a plan to share your lives. But things change for a million reasons, and it’s not always easy to spot, but it’s easy to feel when someone starts pulling away. Much like employees, partners can also quietly quit their relationship, so let’s dive into what that looks like and what you can do moving forward.
1. Poor Communication
Relationships won’t work without solid communication, and partners with one foot out the door don’t care if you talk or not. They won’t share their feelings, they won’t have open conversations with you, and worst of all, they won’t even seem phased by the change.
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2. They Avoid Conflict
Interestingly enough, conflict is a huge part of communication. The odd argument is actually normal among partners, allowing you to work on your communication skills and conflict resolution. But partners on their way out don’t want the added stress, and might avoid conflict altogether.
3. Lack of Sharing
There was a time when your partner shared everything with you, good or bad. However, lately it seems like they’re barricaded behind a wall. You need to pry for information about their family or ask a thousand questions about their day before they open up.
4. They’re Aloof
One of the hardest things about a partner quietly quitting is recognizing how aloof they are. Do they care if you’re late coming home? Do they let you know if they’re running late? If they have a laissez-faire attitude about everything, it could spell trouble.
5. No Plans For the Future
No matter how long you’re together, partners should plan for the future. It could be something as serious as having children or as fun as your next vacation. But silent partners won’t show the same excitement.
6. They Put Everything Else First
Partners deserve a top spot on the roster. When one of you quietly quits, however, the relationship soon slinks down the totem pole, and soon, everything else is prioritized but you. They could put anything from their friends to their job ahead of you, and it’s not hard to spot the change.
7. No Real Intimacy
Intimacy looks different across couples, and that’s totally fine. But in rocky relationships, intimacy is practically nonexistent. We’re not just talking about time in the boudoir either; cuddling, kissing, and holding hands are all part of the experience, and it’s never good when those gestures wither away.
8. They’re Quick to Leave
Does your partner leave as soon as dinner’s finished? Do they take longer routes home? Have they started spending more time at the office? People wave off behavioral changes as everyday occurrences, but you know your partner better than anyone, and you’ll recognize a late night over a late month.
9. You Feel They’re Pulling Away
It’s not always easy to pinpoint these changes, but you feel them in your gut. Don’t write off your intuition so quickly; if you notice sweeping differences, it could signal that a serious talk is in order.
10. There’s No Effort
Plenty of couples fall into a rut, and it’s a common hurdle partners leap over together. However, some partners stop putting in the effort, and that’s the end of it. A lack of trying could indicate that your partner doesn’t value your relationship as much as you do.
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So, what should you do? It sounds scary to experience these things, but luckily, there are a few steps you can take to try and right the ship.
1. Sit Down With Your Emotions
The first step is to have a conversation with yourself. What changes have you noticed? What do you want to do about them? How do you feel? As important as it is to discuss things with your partner, it’s just as crucial to sit down with yourself.
2. Keep an Eye on Their Behavior
You don’t want to fly blind during a heavy conversation. Have you noticed legitimate changes in their behavior or your communication? Write them down in a journal and bring them up during your discussion. The more points you have, the easier it is to move forward on target areas.
3. Have an Open Conversation
It won’t be easy, but you need to sit down with your partner. Explain that you’ve felt a shift in the relationship and address concerns with them. Even if they’ve been avoiding conflict for the last few months, you can both agree that this warrants a full-blown conversation.
4. Practice Active Listening
Of course, it’s not enough to sit down and air your grievances. You also need to actively listen. At this point, you don’t know what’s driven a wedge between you, and you won’t find out unless you hear your partner out.
5. Think About Your Own Behavior
It’s difficult to examine a dwindling relationship, but it’s even harder to stick our own behavior under a microscope. Consider every factor before making any final decisions. For example, how are your conflict resolution skills? Are you someone your partner can actually talk to without fear of an argument? Sometimes, obstacles like this are a learning opportunity for you both.
6. Avoid Blame
You never want to place blame on one person, especially during a conversation like this. It takes two to tango, and your relationship is a two-way street. Keep past grievances out of it, focus on the now, and try to use “I feel” statements.
7. Plan For the Future
There’s no telling how the conversation will go, but based on what happens, you can start planning for the future. Are you going to move forward together, or is this the end of the line? Both require some serious thought, so it’s worth considering all paths.
8. Lean on Loved Ones
Regardless of what happens, our loved ones are a solid crutch in tough times. There’s no shame in speaking to a trusted network of friends and family as you plan next steps. They could even provide some outside perspective that helps guide you along.
9. Consider Counseling
Sometimes, you and your partner are too close to the relationship to work on problems together. There’s nothing wrong with couples counseling; a third-party perspective, especially a professional one, can help you work through issues together and build a stronger foundation. They also address root concerns, which allows you both to get to the heart of your feelings.
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10. Know When to Let Go
At the end of the day, you can’t—and shouldn’t—hang on to someone who’s checked out. If the conversation goes south, it’s best for you both to acknowledge an extinguished flame. Clutching onto someone who isn’t invested won’t do you any favors, and it’s unfair to both of you.
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