10 Ways Psychology Explains Attraction & 10 Ways It Explains Heartbreak
Why We Fall & Why It Hurts
Love and heartbreak are part of the human experience. Love hurts, but it's also one of the things that makes us feel the most alive. From the sparks of initial attraction to the pain of a breakup, our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors are shaped by powerful psychological mechanisms. Here are 10 ways psychology explains attraction, and 10 psychological reasons breakups are so devastating.
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1. Familiarity
Familiarity informs attraction through a psychological principle called the “Mere Exposure Effect.” The more we interact with someone, the more likely we are to be attracted to them because we start to feel trusting, safe, and at ease with them.
2. Reciprocity
Reciprocity is the act of exchanging things for mutual benefit. Attraction often grows when reciprocity is shown, demonstrating mutual liking.
3. Proximity
People are more likely to be attracted to someone who's in close proximity to them. This doesn't just mean physical proximity, but social proximity, too. For example, a college student being attracted to another college student.
4. Complementarity
You've probably heard the old saying that "opposites attract." People are often attracted to others whose traits complement or balance out their own. Rather than dating someone who's exactly like you, it's about choosing someone whose differences fit harmoniously with yours.
5. Reinforcement
We're more likely to repeat behaviors that bring us rewards. Reinforcement in relationships suggests we're attracted to people who make us feel good through their actions, words, or general presence because they trigger our brain's reward system.
6. Physical Attraction
Physical attraction is one of the most immediate aspects of connection. Facial symmetry, clear skin, and a healthy body are biological cues that signal good genetics.
7. Evolutionary Preferences
Evolutionary preferences are things like strength, youthfulness, and resourcefulness. These are traits that historically would've increased chances of survival and reproduction. Even if it's no longer relevant, these preferences are deeply rooted in the human psyche.
8. Social Status
Sure, there are countless Cinderella stories, but in general, people tend to date within their own social class because it's more familiar. People who have a high social status are usually perceived as capable, resourceful, and have the ability to provide.
9. Similar Disposition
People tend to be attracted to others with a similar temperament or outlook. This ensures emotional harmony in the relationship, predictability, and compatibility.
10. Mystery
While familiarity is good, deep attraction tends to involve some element of mystery. This adds intrigue, keeps things fresh and exciting, triggering the release of dopamine.
Now that we've covered how psychology explains attraction, let's talk about how it explains heartbreak.
1. Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive dissonance is when we have two conflicting beliefs at the same time. For example, you still love your ex, but you know the relationship is over. This creates confusion and an identity conflict, leaving your brain struggling to make sense of everything that you're going through.
2. Reward System Disruption
When you're in love, your brain is constantly getting hits of happiness chemicals like dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin. When a breakup happens, that suddenly stops, and you go through a kind of withdrawal, leaving you feeling depressed, in pain, and unmotivated.
3. Stress Hormone Response
Your brain registers the end of a relationship as a threat to emotional security. As a result, the stress hormone cortisol surges and your body goes into fight-or-flight mode, which can lead to physical symptoms like headaches, stomach pain, and fatigue.
4. Grief & Loss
When a relationship ends, you experience many of the same emotions as you would when a loved one passes away, as, in a sense, you are losing a person from your life. Many people go through all the stages of grief, like denial, anger, bargaining, etc., when they go through a breakup.
5. Loss of Identity
When we're in a relationship, we build a sense of identity around our partner. When that ends, it results in an identity crisis where we have to build new routines, roles, and identities.
6. Nostalgia & Idealization
Humans tend to block out trauma and just focus on positive memories. In this way, we idealize past relationships, trapping ourselves in rumination loops.
7. Social Comparison
Seeing others in happy relationships can trigger feelings of inadequacy and revive negative thinking loops, worsening heartbreak. Especially when love is exaggerated in the media, it can heighten the blow to our self-esteem.
8. Attachment Systems
Attachment systems explain why losing a partner can feel like you're losing a part of yourself. When a relationship ends, it triggers separation distress similar to that of infants when they're separated from their caregivers.
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9. Rumination Loops
Rumination loops involve replaying memories, keeping the emotions fresh. It often leads to self-blame, overthinking and can interfere with your focus and daily tasks.
10. Existential Crisis
You may have had a perfect picture of how your life would play out with your partner. Now that's all gone, and you have to reevaluate your whole life and find new meaning, which is painful and difficult.
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