Things Fall Apart
Cracks can appear in even the strongest of relationships. Sometimes, those cracks heal; other times, they can shatter relationships entirely. While most people think of toxic relationships as being between romantic partners, familial, platonic, and even business relationships can all lead to toxicity. If you have a feeling that a relationship of yours may not be entirely healthy, it’s important to learn some of the warning signs and know how to escape if needed.
1. Keeping Score
A relationship is a two-way street, not a competition. If the other person holds grudges long after they should have forgiven and forgotten, there’s a good chance that they’re keeping a scoreboard in their head. They might bring up previous grievances, mistakes, or hurt feelings to make you feel guilty for small things that should not have been a big deal.
2. Buying Forgiveness
Another common manipulation tactic is believing that money can buy forgiveness or make up for a lack of an apology. By lavishing expensive gifts on you, the other person makes it so that you feel guilty saying no, completely ignoring the fact that they never apologized in the first place. An engagement ring should not be an apology for past behavior.
3. Redirecting Blame
Similar to the mental scoreboard, the other person may be an all-time champ of the blame game. They certainly never did anything wrong, and if they did, then it was because they were following your instructions. Refusing to take responsibility is not only immature, but it can also lead to further manipulation and abuse.
4. Lack of Support
A relationship should be a safe space. You should feel that you can trust the other person, not only with important topics or secrets, but also to support you. Whether it’s standing up for you, helping you through a difficult situation, or being able to have mature conversations, the other person should be willing to show your relationship through actions rather than hollow promises.
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5. Belittling
Belittling goes hand-in-hand with a lack of support. If you come to the other person excited about something you’ve accomplished and they downplay your achievements or needlessly compare you to others, it’s a likely sign that they don’t take you seriously.
6. Jealousy
Jealousy is a natural human emotion, but excessive jealousy, especially masked as displays of affection, is a sign of trouble. People tend to think of jealousy in relationships specifically through the lens of a romantic partner being jealous when you spend time with other people. However, jealousy over someone else’s successes or experiences can lead to resentment and ill-treatment.
7. Suspicion
The same goes for paranoia; everyone experiences some suspicion at one time or another. The problem arises when the other person constantly makes mountains out of molehills. Demanding to know where you’ve been, constantly analyzing your words and actions for “signs” of things that aren’t there, and even following you around are all examples of suspicion spiraling out of control.
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8. Lack Of Privacy
It has unfortunately become a meme in the past few years for people to go through their partner’s phones while they’re in the shower to make sure they aren’t cheating. Whether it’s partners demanding access to your phone, family members monitoring internet usage, or employers asking invasive questions about your personal life, a disregard for privacy is a clear violation of personal boundaries.
9. Gaslighting
Not just a movie with Ingrid Bergman, gaslighting is a very real manipulation tactic that makes you question your reality. Gaslighting is more than just lying; it is designed to make you question your feelings, instincts, and even sanity until you cannot trust your perception of the world. Gaslighting happens gradually, often starting with little things such as the other person refusing to answer your questions.
10. Isolation
No man is an island, and no relationship should be one either. If the other person insists that you cut off relationships with friends, family, or coworkers, that’s a red flag. By isolating you, the other person makes you entirely dependent on them, which, in turn, makes you easier to take advantage of.
Now that we’ve gone over some of the signs of toxic relationships, let’s look at 10 ways to get out of them.
1. Recognize The Signs
This article goes over some of the warning signs of toxic relationships. However, every relationship is different; not all of these warning signs will be applicable to every situation, and you may encounter red flags aside from those covered here. Learning the signs of an abusive relationship is the first step to getting out of one.
2. Set Firm Boundaries
Occasionally, if you catch a relationship turning toxic early enough, you can take steps to change it. Tell the other party when you’re not comfortable with something rather than staying silent. If the relationship is beyond repair and you’re laying out the terms of separation, don’t try and compromise to make the other person comfortable at the cost of your own comfort.
3. Talk To Someone
Whether it’s a loved one, someone who’s experienced a similar situation, or a licensed counselor, talking to someone about what you are going through can help get some weight off your chest. Additionally, talking through the situation can help you see things with more clarity or encourage you to take steps towards freedom.
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4. Put Yourself First
Toxic relationships are like a house on fire. When faced with the choice between saving yourself and trying to put out the fire, you should get out first. There is no point in sacrificing yourself. The house is already on fire; get yourself out.
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5. Be Creative
We don’t mean this metaphorically. Many people who have gotten out of toxic relationships describe feeling a loss of identity or disconnect with hobbies and interests. One of the best ways to reclaim a sense of self is to be creative in the wake of destruction.
6. Have An Exit Plan
Getting out is significantly more difficult when your home life is tangled up with someone else’s. Do you have somewhere to stay until you get back on your feet? Are your finances linked to the other person? Will there be legal difficulties such as a restraining order, divorce, or custody settlement over children? These are factors that can help make breaking free easier to compartmentalize and work towards.
7. Know When Change Is Not Enough
Sometimes, through mutual support and growth, a relationship can be repaired. However, that can only happen if both parties are willing to put in the work to fix it. Recognizing when a relationship cannot be repaired is an important part of finding freedom.
8. Build A Support System
More than simply confiding to a loved one about your problems, a support system can help protect you. Knowing that there are people who will have your back, no matter how difficult it may be, can empower you to take the leap and leave. Whether it’s a couch to crash on, a witness should things escalate, or a character reference for a job or lease, having people around you who want to help will give you strength.
9. Stand Tall
Sometimes, the other person will try to guilt you into staying. Whether it's through false promises, threats, or compromises, they may force you into a situation where it feels impossible to leave. Be resolute in your convictions and stand up for yourself.
10. Be Brave
Leaving anything familiar is scary, and you’re taking a big step by removing yourself from a toxic situation. Some of the hardest things you will have to do can also be among the most important. In getting out of this relationship, you are ensuring your survival, and that’s reason enough to fight for it.
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