The Art of Arguing
Everyone gets into arguments: some silly, some heated, and some deeply personal. But instead of running away from conflict or getting egotistical about winning, it’s important to understand one another and reach common ground. If you really do just want to win, though, there are certainly tricks you can use in your favor. From mirroring language to using techniques like the Socratic method and the strawman, here are 20 psychological tips to devastate your opponent with.
1. Manage Your Tone
It’s easy to get into your emotions and let a bit of harshness slip into your tone. But this will position you as an adversary to the person you’re arguing with and will turn their brain off to any logical points you make. Instead, you’re going to want to maintain your tone and sound kind and understanding. The more condescending you come across, the more likely they are to jump to anger.
2. Stay On Topic
When people have a weak position in an argument, they’ll usually try to shift to a semi-related point and argue that instead. For example, maybe you’re talking about the negative reputation of one celebrity, and to defend the celebrity, the person brings up someone similar. Don’t fall into the trap of arguing these “Whataboutisms,” and instead remind them of the real argument topic.
3. Look Like You’re Winning
Looking like you’re winning can sometimes be more important than actually winning from an argument perspective. Of course, it depends on your audience, as some people are too smart to fall for this. But if you just act like you have the upper hand, others will react to you as if that’s the case.
4. Cushion the Statements
Some people want to just beat down their opponent, while others actually want to change their minds. If your goal is to change the other person’s mind, you’ll want to cushion your arguments. This means adding phrases like “That’s an interesting point” before totally breaking it down. Or “I’ve never thought about it that way,” before logically dismantling their point.
5. Follow the Evidence
Lots of people let their emotions and opinions guide the argument. This is no way to win, as you want to focus on evidence above all. At the end of the day, most people can’t argue against statistics and logic, so just follow that evidence till the very end. This is why it’s also good to have statistics on hand to refer to.
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6. The Strawman
You’ll also want to avoid falling for the strawman argument, which is a fallacy where someone oversimplifies another person’s argument. They’ll turn the issue into an exaggerated “straw man,” and will then attack this weaker argument rather than the actual point. For example, you might be arguing against pollution to protect the environment, and the other person will strawman this into you wanting to shut down factories, so people are out of work.
7. Never Lash Out
When you lash out or fly off the handle, to onlookers, it looks like you’re losing. If they see you freak out, both the arguer and others will think it means your argument is weak and you’re panicking. So always keep your composure and retain a calm state, even if their arguments annoy you.
8. The Socratic Method
This method is all about asking questions and letting people see the flaws in their own logic. This is often more effective than just arguing back. Ask them why they think that, ask them what their evidence is, ask them how that can be the case when there’s certain proof against it. Let them flounder in their own irrationality.
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9. Preemptive Agreement
This is similar to the cushioning method but is a bit more direct. When a person finishes their statement, agree immediately, saying something like “Exactly,” before suddenly moving the argument to a point more favorable to your position. This makes the person feel like you saw their argument coming and are out of their league.
10. False Choice
Don’t fall into the trap of a false choice, which is where people will insist you have to pick one of two options. A great argument to any of these situations is the idea that there are only two choices, when there are likely combinations, alternatives, and all sorts of other unexplored approaches. You don’t have to argue yes or no; you could argue the maybes or the neithers.
11. Reflect Their Questions
If the person’s points aren’t making sense to you, just throw all that stuff back at them. Listen intently, and when they’re finished their ramble, reflect their question back to them so they have to explain themselves. They might struggle with this, which indicates they’re not all that educated, or if their point is ridiculous, the explanation just makes them look foolish to onlookers.
12. Eye Contact
Ignoring or making faces at your opponent’s argument is a quick way to turn the exchange emotional instead of logical. Of course, you can use this to your advantage if you’re trying to set them up to lash out. But the more principled approach is to maintain eye contact and listen attentively. This way, you’re showing them respect that they will feel obligated to return. This way, you’ll be more agreeable to them.
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13. Don’t Generalize
Generalizations are a big mistake when it comes to arguments. If you start a sentence with “people never,” then you’re probably on your way to losing. Instead, focus on specific examples or cite actual facts. Generalizations are almost impossible to argue, unless you’re basing yourself on unstable emotions and anecdotes.
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14. Don’t Get Defensive
It’s pretty clear by now that emotions just don’t mix with logical arguments, and getting defensive is another dangerous habit. If you focus more on protecting yourself and winning for the sake of ego, then you won’t be able to properly engage with the argument. It’s important to hear the other person and respond thoughtfully rather than shut down.
15. Find Common Ground
Also referred to as getting your foot in the door, this technique is all about finding common ground. You need to find a small point where you can agree on something. Only once they’ve said yes can you use that as a caveat to convey your bigger and bolder points. It’s like building a cake with layers instead of launching into a monologue.
16. Focus on What’s Right
The moral high ground can certainly help you win arguments, as it centers your viewpoint on shared values and principles. Emphasizing fairness or ideals of justice is often compelling and can help convey other people to your side. This is helpful for when you’re arguing in front of onlookers.
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17. Don’t Place Blame
Blame is another caveat that can trigger defensiveness in both you and your opponent. You’ve probably heard that you should use “I” statements rather than “you” statements. Avoiding blame games is especially crucial for arguments between couples.
18. Ask Leading Questions
There are numerous ways to use questions to win an argument. The Socratic method is one, but you can also use questions to guide people toward your conclusion. Ask them questions where the only reasonable answer positions them on your side of the issue.
19. Mirror Their Body Language
It’s a pretty well-known fact that body language can communicate just as much as words can. With that in mind, mimicking their gestures, posture, and even their tone can help connect you two in a friendly manner. This builds rapport and will make them more receptive to your arguments.
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20. Be Open to Understanding Their View
An argument isn’t just about convincing the other person you’re right but is instead about finding the “right” answer, whatever that may be. You shouldn’t go into discussions thinking you’ve already won, but should consider their perspective the same way you want them to consider yours. Acknowledging valid points, defusing tension, and asking questions can help you understand one another and come to a mutual consensus.
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